TRIGGER WARNING - Self harm and suicidal ideation in post.

I don't really know what to say anymore. Not sure if it is the NHS, whether I don't meet criteria... or I'm just giving mixed signals when talking.

When I saw the crisis team last Monday, I was told they'd be writing a letter to my doctor about the meeting and he'd have it in a couple of days. Well, he got no letter. He asked if I was to see them again and was surprised when I said no. He attempted to smooth the water by saying 'as they know you're seeing a T soon, perhaps they are saw that you'll be getting help that way' and I agreed with him for the sake of pretences... but it sowed the seed = I am not worth the bother. Stupid perhaps to think that way, but I do just feel very alone with this.

There are times I can be clear eyed and talk in a reasoned way with others... perhaps that doesn't meet the expectations of what depressed should be?

I know I can be intelligent and see the logical path of things... but does that mean I walk that logical path? Is the swath of the downward spiral I get when I'm on my own appear invisible because of the way I talk to others with a 'duty of care'?

I am close to giving up... but then I question if that's because I want to cry out and get someone to listen? That I want to stick the finger to the man because they didn't get it? Am I mixing a need for attention with what I think is depression?

TRIGGER WARNING FOR THE REMAINDER OF POST

I guess I have an overactive mind and it does cause that sort of conflict. Impulsive thoughts have been manifesting and cutting self harm appears to be on the agenda.... totally stupid, never done that before but it stems from the ideation of a more extreme type of cutting.

It is daft, I'm constantly querying my intent... especially with the latter bit... would I do it in the morning after the wife has gone to work with no chance of finding me, or closer to her coming home so the 'chance' would be there... or even as I hear her coming through the door.

That kinda crap plagues me... I despise the thought within myself of it being a cry and that turns to the danger of me doing something stupid to spite myself, to see it through to conclusion as a challenge.. a dare.

For the few months I've been here, I was walking in a dream... very low and empty. Now I seem clear, agitated and my mind is all over the place.

It's a mess... I honestly do not think I have any purpose in life anymore... the grey monotonous of crap and disappointment is all I see ahead. That any use I can be to others is down to true chance and my nerve at the time.

Sorry, probably lots of mixed things going on in this post and I just can't seem to see the sky for the trees.