I don't know what I am doing with my life. This week has barely beging and it's already been an eyes opener. I'm completly alone, I don't know anyone that likes me and everyone find it so easy to say. My sister said to me that I was a burden to her, that I was an anti-social person, she called me a freak, that I didn't cared about anyone beside me, that I was selfish, and that I only cared about being the best at school. It let me down, because she believes I am like this because I chose it and she believes that I will never change. I devoted all my years to my sister, she is older and all my life I've been her fallower, I did respect her. I allways agree with all her opinions, and I let her by on comand, because she likes to control everything...dispite I barely feel something and don't have motivation I'm allways pushing myself to help her and say nice things when I see she is down. She perfectly understands depression, she knows a lot about it, and even so, when she looks through me, she just sees a selfish girl indiferent to the world who thinks she's better than anybody else.
My other roomate is allways saying mean things to me like (you don't do anything bad to anyone but you don't anything good either, sometimes he's more specif) and then he says he was kidding. I know he doesn't, today I try him and I said you meant it and he said he wasn't kidding, but that he liked me as a person...But I know he wasn't speak the truth either, it sounded a lot as an execuse. An pulling together all the things that he has been said about me "just kidding" I know he doesn't like me. I have no friend in school, nobody wanted me in their groups and I'm with this group of boys allways talking about sexist things, porno and so one. I hate, I feel apart with them. I have never been so lonly as I am these days and I'm loosing my straighs to keep going on the study thing. My family knows my behaviour, my difficulties and they don't make a move to help, suposely I'm the one who has to change her personality, but I can't.
I am at the end of the line, one step further and I will fall, and nobody gives me an hand.And it's been bothering me the fact that I can't feel, so I can't be sad, so they can't see me as a depressed person. Why I let myself went in this path and why I can't get out of it?