When I think back to my one experience that led to severe depression and Dissociative Amnesia as well as one mild psychotic episode, it doesn't seem to make sense. Some people have been through terrible things, but mine is nothing compared to theirs. How could it cause all of this? When I was 11 years old, my best friend and writing coach passed away suddenly. She was in her late 20s but I consider her a member of my family. She was like a mother or at least an aunt to me. She didn't die in front of me, though. She was perfectly healthy, but one night a blood clot cut off her lungs and she suffocated. I received a call telling me that she had gone. Because of my amnesia affects, I hardly remember anything immediately before or after this episode. I remember some things vaguely. I remember screaming and crashing into walls, even falling down a flight of stairs, which I think was an accident. I hit my head into the walls and tore some of my hair out. I went crazy, and after that I didn't speak for a week and a half. On her birthday after she died (which was only months after her passing) I baked her a cake without telling my family. When my mom ate a slice, I went full on psycho on her. I freaked out and curled up crying, all because of the cake...

Obviously since then I have improved...sort of. After that, I got depression, I've forgotten almost my entire childhood, and I've lost my ability to understand love. I've become withdrawn, while I used to be the most popular girl in middle school. I've changed almost entirely. But it doesn't make sense to me. She didn't die in my arms, or get murdered, or anything. It wasn't THAT traumatic. So why did it mess me up so bad? Why did I have a breakdown and develop all these things?? I have even thought of hurting other people, but I cut myself in order to keep myself from hurting others. I haven't done that in months though. But sometimes I just want to do awful things and I still miss her so much, I cry at least once a month. How could this have such a huge impact? It's not like I was abused or witnessed her death, and I was 11. Someone please help me make sense of this...