Hugs from another person who hears ya. Just saw my pdoc today and was totally rational and in control. Then I had a meltdown when I got home. I felt like stabbing myself just to punish myself for being such a screw up. And I felt like taking a hammer to the drywall of my apartment. I managed to refrain from doing both of those as I didn't want to have to explain why I did it.

I'm so sorry you're in such severe distress. Time to put away the sharp, pointy objects and batten down the hatches and ride out the storm. That's how I feel right now.