Shrinks / therapists / whatever title you want to give them - piss me off.

Yesterday my T told me that she wants me to go the whole week without any SH. She wants "us" to do some "distress toleration" therapy next week... meaning she wants me to look at my healed/healing marks (which make me want to re-harm cuz I do not like when there is nothing fresh). Look at the marks and accept the healing-marks as okay and not want to run and re-SH. I get the concept... but....

I have certainly gone a week without SH in the past. But being *told* that you can not makes it far, far worse. Anxiety SOARS.

And logic tells me if I do not SH this week and we do our little therapy next week - logically she will say - "now do not SH this week". Which means I have to go at least 15 days without any SH.?.?.? More anxiety.


** trigger warning **



Mr Useless is NOT happy. Very, very, very UNhappy. SH is what I use to prevent me from doing far worse things. Forever-things. Noose things.... run your car into a cement wall at high speeds with your seat belt wrapped around your neck things..... Why are shrinks so f***ing stupid as to press us into making matters WORSE.



and to add to the stress - my 1st born turned 18 today. And I HATE that fact. I want my kids to be little. I love, love, love, love little kids. I love, love, love being a dad. Being a dad is all that I have ever wanted. I guess I really have no purpose left here.

Thus endth my rant....