All the lying all those times. All the cheating. I was the person who would so judge other people for staying with cheaters. That would never be me!
Till it happened to me.
I found out, freaked out, and he of course was sorry. The very next week he cheated again . From then on it was make up, break up, cheat some more. Countless lies about needing to go here and there. Countless times he would disappear for a days having me freaking out calling hospitals and lock ups. I have so many bad memories. When I was doing better emotionally I dealt with this much better. Realizing I could do better and that its his loss and that hes scum. With my emotions being so low I feel like its a sign of the lack of feelings he had all along. That I wasnt good enough. That I didnt make him happy enough. Im obsessed with this. I constantly try to find out if hes doing something again. Like it matters?! Like the 100th text message is going to make me put my foot down. It doesnt. The words and images a seared in my brain. Yet I keep looking for more? There must be a sick part of me that "likes" this.
I cant stop obsessing about it. It feels like ptsd. Scared hes not coming home from work. Scared hes not even at work. Scared every time i see the phone in his hand. My stomach turns when I hear a word that is somehow connected to his cheating. A town name, a persons name etc. I go from wanting to slap him and never talking to him again to wanting him to prove his love for me and treat me like I have been treating him. I go out of my way to make him happy. I wont look in another mans direction out of fear of disrespecting him. I try. I really do.
I know I know why would I stay. The fact that I have seen him struggle with bi-polar is one reason. Because I love him. Because I want to believe that we can work through anything. Because I am such a damaged person that he does accept. Because when we are good hes like my best friend. Because I dont want to be alone. Because Im weak and have low self esteem.
No one knows the extent of our issues. I am ashamed of what I have allowed and continue to allow.
If the people in my life knew half of this they would never look at me the same.
The pain I feel when we are apart is worse a lot of times than the pain of allowing this. Its sick. I am one of "those" women now.
I flirt with the idea of accepting all this. To stay and love him and just take it one passive day at a time. Thats what im willing to "settle" for.
I hate myself for being so stupid. And I know I cant keep complaining about what I put up with.
So im going to allow myself a few hours this morning to sob over this and then put on my face and get pretty and fake it for myself and everyone around me.