Well, the loss of someone you were so close with, especially at the age you had this happen, is traumatic.

People tend to think that a trauma has to be much worse, but that is not how it works, it is something that someone can experience where it is something very sudden, takes them by surprise and they don't know how to deal with it or process it emotionally.

With any kind of sudden loss the reason "grief counseling" is usually provided is because
of how a loss like what you are describing can be very traumatic and something that it is important to talk about and have help with.

A warning sign that PTSD can be developing actually "is" depression and withdrawing. This is something that people with "knowledge" will advise parents and family to watch out for.

I advise that you seek therapy, preferably with a therapist that also understands PTSD
I am not diagnosing you, but you have not resolved this experience, and you do need the right help with that. Saying this experience is "not that traumatic" is wrong because an 11 and 12 year old doesn't have the ability or life skills to be able to process the finality of something like this. And even what to do with all the emotions that present with this kind of loss. It can also create a inner fear of allowing for another attachment like this for fear of something possibly happening that can again be very painful and traumatic. We can develop these fears without even realizing it, and our personal sense of safety is put into question.

When we suffer a loss, we need to know "our feelings" and sense of loss is important, how "we" feel is important, and that there is a presence there that respects and understands that personal need. This is not "just you" that needs this either, it is a very "real and important" human need. It is very "wrong" that anyone who has a deep emotional reaction and confusion to a loss is left to feel they should not have this emotional challenge or that their feelings are "not important". You are saying that what you feel "should not be happening or that your confusion is not important', but hun, that is wrong, YOU ARE IMPORTANT AND DESERVE TO HAVE THE RIGHT PERSON HELP YOU WITH THIS, IT IS ESSENTIAL.

When you made that cake, you were actually trying to be thankful and remember what this person did for you that touched you deeply. This "is" something that people do when they suffer a loss that has become a part of "remembrance and mourning" that helps with "healing from a loss". The fact that your mother (unknowingly) invaded that and took from it did present a deep feeling of "invasion on your right to mourn and present your own special offering". That is again something that should have been talked about where you were given the chance to express how that made you feel and gotten some comfort for that which would "again" help you understand "why" you felt all the things you felt in that experience and how that was violated.

Being able to "grieve" is so very, very important to help us heal when we have a loss that deeply affects us and leaves such an uncomfortable hole that we don't understand.

I have to say, that I suffered a lot of loss that I honestly didn't know how to process emotionally. I eventually just broke because what I went through was just too much. I was exhausted and I really needed a presence to help me that was caring, and I didn't get that, and I did ask for it too. I got worse and also experienced depression and withdrew. I "do" struggle with PTSD myself and it took me a while to understand it all. It also took "too long" for me to find the right therapist to help me work through it. I can't say enough how important it is to find a good therapist where you can finally grieve they way you need to and you will have the caring support that will help you through this "overdue" process that you need to have so you can express your pain and finally have the guidance to help you work through it so you can finally move forward in your life.

I am very sorry you had this experience, losing someone who was an important person in your life that took an interest in you, was a guide and mentor is traumatic. You need to talk about this and have the right person there to help you through this instead of your feeling like "it wasn't supposed to be that important to you", because "that is simply not the case".

((((Hugs))))
OE