To understand and realize the significance of being "allowed to" properly mourn and actually being able to "express" emotions for a loss, even find a way to "show a sign of an appreciation for what was lost" you need to look around some.

We have built many monuments to express "remembrance and mourning". We have spent a lot of money and time in building something that has meaning and is a permanent reminder and gives respect to the many lives that were lost on 9ll. And every year we make it a point to talk about this event in a very public way. Well, this is part of how we "need to grieve" loss. It is not "wrong" to feel loss and "need to grieve" with others. And within that open conversation about "grief and loss" there are always questions, all kinds of questions of "why" and how to "deal with the emptiness that is still present".

However, we also have many different kinds of cemeteries with all kinds of elaborate headstones and we even have a ritual we go through when someone is lost called a funeral where people gather and work on dealing with a loss and very real emotional challenge that comes with experiencing a loss.
So it is important to realize "emotions that present with loss is real, human, challenging and should not be considered something that is wrong to experience or that one should feel like they are failing somehow when they struggle emotionally and are confused with varying emotions".

It is important that you do not end up thinking that you need to "deny" the feelings that you experienced with this loss, and still do. Entertaining the idea that "you are not important and that you are wrong to experience emotional challenges after a loss, is not being fair to your own "human nature". You "are" very human and you need to be able to "express your emotions in whatever way you need to with others around you that validate you and help you with this very real human reaction".

Often the "root" of PTSD is caused from "unresolved need for mourning that someone did not get to express" or did not have the proper support when it was really needed.

Human beings have designed many different kinds of rituals to help them express this need to "mourn". I think it was very important that you had someone to really help you with this when you were much too young to understand this process and felt you somehow needed to "hide your emotional struggle or even suppress it or feel you didn't deserve to struggle emotionally".

Please make sure you reach out for help to finally address this challenge, it is very important that you understand all the emotions and finally learn how to process them and have all of them validated as much as you need to.

(((Caring Hugs))))
OE