Do you think there might also have been background conditions that predisposed you to have such a severe reaction to this horrible, tragic, stunning premature death? The death itself sounds terrible. I had a bad reaction to a loss a little like that too, but my family dynamic was already really dysfunctional, and that, I think, really set the stage for me to fall apart and not be able to put myself together for a while. At 11, you did not have much in the way of resources to deal with the loss I do not expect. Not sure what type of support you got from family, counselors, etc? Very difficult situation, I'm so sorry to hear you've suffered so.