hey. i have a similar thing going on for me too. it reminds me a little of linehan's notion of an 'emotional mind' a 'rational mind' and a 'wise mind' (where the latter is some kind of sum of the others). though the mapping probably isn't perfect.

sounds to me like you are ambivalent...

part of you is very small and vulnerable and fairly emotional and part of you is very informed by a rational knowledge base etc.

i think that different people are a bit more at home in one of those or the other. i personally am fairly aversive to the emotional / vulnerable side. i do try and allow a disclosure or two to come from there, however. something about missing him or something. that i do want to work for him. that he does mean something to me. just little bits. i think that other people find it easier to express this side and they have trouble integrating the rational knower with that in order to check some of the emotions.

gently does it.