Recognizing, establishing then maintaining boundaries with my birth family has been one of the most difficult things I've ever done in my life. However, it's been one of the most rewarding...for myself as well as for those involved.

Growing up with such abuse and illness in my household was TOUGH. It helped to create a person whose only trusted outlet was dissociation...an escape...as a child what was a necessity became a self-created, but uncontrollable and not recognized "drug of choice" afterward.

In therapy, and when dealing with some of the many issues surrounding my "awful" family, I began to slowly recognize that there were no, none, appropriate boundaries anywhere. There were literally very few lines that were not crossed. In fact, the only one that I can think of off the top of my head would be that "you don't talk ugly to mother". She did as she pleased regarding emotional boundaries, and with everyone and everything else there was a mixture of manipulation and selfish gain.

My mother, father and both brothers live(d) with disorders that allow for little care for anyone other than themselves. Me, I wasn't like them. I was "trained young" to be the giver, the worker, the rescuer, the abused. I didn't play their games well, so became the odd man out and the focus of the abuse allowed very few personal boundaries (I was also the only female child).

Anyhow, I grew up longing to disappear, but never succeeded...at least physically. Dissociation became a tool that became well used that began to wreak havoc in my adult life. I sought therapy.

In therapy was where I recognized that everything, but everything, was wrong within that family. I never knew that. I was spending sooooo much time just trying to make it, survive, that all energies were placed on hypervigilence and reaction. There were no thought processes to wonder what should or could be because all thought was spent on survival, then on reaction.

As an adult in therapy, little to no progress was made due to that fact. Any communication consisted of "the old" and my hurt, anger, fear, disgust, etc. Again, just reaction and thoughts were only about the reaction, and of course the many "why's". I wasn't an adult. Sure, physically I was of age, but mentally I was still that child when it came to my birth family...that hurt, scared, neglected, angry child. I was an adult in the present, but living as the emotional child of the past in regards to my birth family. MY PTSD was great.

I had to literally learn to think like an adult with them. I had to go against everything inside of me to absorb the fact that I had my own thoughts, my own desires, my own needs, even my own demands that were separate and apart from those that didn't have alot of conscience or ability to see beyond their own noses. Whew, that was hard. I remember the shock in my therapist's face when he would state a simple statement regarding self-care or expectation that, honest to goodness, had never been within my realm of thinking.

We had to start from scratch. I learned that my life wasn't "normal". I learned that the things done to me as a child, but also as an adult were wrong. I literally had to learn those things before I could even recognize what boundaries should be. In fact, I couldn't. The only way I could consider what boundaries I might put in place for myself was to think about what I would tell a friend in my place...what was not OK for the worthy. It took me a while to realize I was worthy and what I applied for others applied for me as well.

After ALOT of therapy with that...lol...I moved forward to thinking about placing those boundaries in my life. I would play around with it a bit but get bitten so badly, I'd retreat...fast. Finally, after really HUGE boundaries being crossed (I'm talking mean and ugly), I had to stop contact. I realized that I couldn't even figure out what boundaries I needed to put in place while having constant contact because it was too hurtful. I had to put a "stopper" in there. I did just that.

During the no contact, I figured out with my therapist what the most important boundaries were for me. I had to recognize what I even needed and wanted because I didn't know. I didn't know what it was like to think about myself and not others first when it came to my birth family.

I took the time off to recognize the boundaries that I needed for me to function better, and with less time spent reacting and in pain. Then spent the rest of the time preparing for those lines to be pushed, and pushed hard. They were. They still are at times. It was one "chess game" that I needed to play and prepare for well. I needed to predict every possible move so that I could stay in the game.

Somehow, I was able to do that...sometimes I failed in the moment, but had to pick up where I left off. Since that time my life, and my life with my birth family has changed so much. I'm not the same person I was in alot of good ways.

I spent so much time feeling hurt and anger from mother, suspicion was high, etc. Since establishing and maintaining the boundaries I've been able to actually enjoy her at times. This might sound very strange, but she even looks physically different to me...realistically so. I'm not nearly so on edge and angry as I was before. I don't feel the constant pressure of conversation, preparation to be "blown out of the water at any moment", etc. It's helped me so much.

It's helped our relationship. She doesn't call nearly so often or expect me to be on the phone with her for hours. I used to feel so guilty because I worried that I was on my way to "hating" my mother, but now I can see things about her that I admire and understand that I couldn't see before due to the reaction and pain. I can see the little things she does that shows she cares now...the very few ways she is capable fo showing it. Since having boundaries, I can see the good with the bad and there's not nearly so much hurt and pain. I actually am amazed when I stand back and look at it. I did alot of work to obtain those things on my own and in therapy. Creating and maintaining boundaries didn't make it all better. However, those boundaries HAD to be in place before healing could truly begin for me so that I could really live in my present.

It's the same with my little brother in ways, different in others. I realized that my over-functioning for him was hurting, not helping, him. The same result...less hurt and anger with more understanding and enjoying what I can.

My father has passed. We'd not seen each other for 14 years, but had the last year of his life.

My older brother? There's only one boundary. NO CONTACT.

Having boundaries has helped me have a much more present and present day experience with my birth family. I feel I was stuck in a severe PTSD/flashback episode by not having the boundaries for myself. My PTSD, dissociation, everything is so much better since I've been able to do some of this. I'm not reliving the past with every encounter anymore. I feel more secure, self-assured, present, aware, safe.

Yep, the payoffs have been great so far. I could write a book about this journey, but I think this is way too long already...my longest post yet maybe?

Thanks for the patience while reading it.

KD