My feelings about my session today are mixed-up. I feel like pushing it all away. I'm not sure how to process it, but one thing I know for sure. My T is not kicking me out or punishing me; she is going to help me work through my boundary crossing issues.

We were talking about googling, and then I mentioned something I did but was proud of myself because I didn't tell her and it was over with. That was driving by her house. She is not angry, but curious. She says it will continue with others if I don't work through it.

I don't know how I sat through the session. I was a wreck, but not crying, of course. She kept asking those "where in your body" questions about it, and then she brought up my brother. She's convinced it has to do with him. She said I'm doing to HER what he did to ME. I never thought of that. I feel really bad about all of this. I feel like I'm a bad person but T says I'm not.

She knows I couldn't help driving past her house. I wasn't ever going to tell her I did it this time, but somehow she got it out of me.

She says part of me knows it's wrong, but the part that does it can't stop, and we will work on that.

I have to make dinner, but I need to write more about this. I feel like exploding, crying, but T said I disassociated during the session when I got very still and said I felt like I was floating. It was horrible talking about it, though she kept saying she's not going to punish me.

I don't want to think it has to do with my brother, and she asked why not? I don't know. Maybe it does.

More in a while.