T didn't make any big deal about googling. She asked what I found. She said she's googled herself so she knows what is there. I said I saw her high school photo but she said that it's probably the wrong person--that I looked under her married name, not her maiden name. But I know I wouldn't be that stupid, and told her so. I was so embarrassed already and that was only the beginning of the session!

When I got home, I checked, and I was right, but it was a college yearbook. So I sent her the link, as I said I would do.

Somehow I got to "driving past her house" though I had told myself I wouldn't tell her, and it was over with, because I only did it once, about a month ago. She said that's not the same as googling because it involves her, not just me. It's kind of like spying, she said, and it crosses boundaries. I told her I found out where all my Ts lived, except for the two who had therapy in their houses. I reminded her of my spying activities with my first T.

She said there's a part of you who does this and thinks it's all right, but a part feels it's not, right? I was so flushed and hot by this time, and I kept fidgeting around, and she kept telling me to notice all of that. It's part of SE, and I didn't mind. She said our bodies tell us a lot that our words don't.

Then she brought up mly brother, and his spying on me, and how I felt about it at the time. I said it was an invasion of my privacy, and I felt exposed. She asked what I would have liked to do to him when I found out, and talked about my feeling powerless because he was older.

Near the end of the session, she stated that maybe I was doing to her what HE did to me, that history often repeats itself like that. I never, ever thought of that before, that maybe she didn't like me to go down her street. She said "what if I was out walking my dog? How would you feel?" I said "embarrassed". I said it would be different if you invited me to your house. But the fact is that she didn't invite me. I just went.

She told me she isn't angry because I said I felt like she's punishing me, and that maybe she won't want to see me anymore. She said that's not true, that the only way I can get over this pattern is to work through the root of it, why I act that way. She really thinks it's about my brother, and asked if my other Ts worked with me on those issues with him. The answer is "not really". They each had an opinion if it was "play" or abuse, and said he had problems, but that's about it.

I felt so drained during the session. T looked very pretty today, but I barely noticed. I was squirming around too much, except for one point after I told her that I was very still. That's when she had to get me grounded--feel my arms, my feet, my legs.

This was not at all what I thought today's session would be like! I am very grateful to my T for insisting I tell her what I found when I googled, and for wanting to know what more I had to tell her--which got me to tell her about driving by her house. She is worried that I will do this with other people, though it's only with Ts. I agree I have to deal with it. I wish I weren't at the end of therapy, but maybe I can get through it by March. Or maybe I'll I have to see her more often and pay for the sessions. I don't know.

No other T got me to face this issue the way she is doing. Whether it's about my brother or not, and I'm sure some of it is, I sure hope that T will be able to help me.