I talked with my T later on today, and well it was a unique situation. At first he challenged me on what was external, and in the end they were internal motivated. Which I was not expecting....

I walked in suicidal, and came out hopeful.

We talked about Behaviors and how we can chose how we behave, and then he through in that our emotions we can chose how we feel. Therefore we can choose how we think... I hope that makes sense... It did to me. I can chose how I want to feel. Honestly this made sense to me... it's not a quick fix but it makes sense. He also suggested, and I agreed, to read a book called "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. Which will challenge some of the agreements that we all are told as fact.....

I guess this is a long answer in saying, I have to reevaluate my motivations, and agreements. But at least I am happier than I was earlier.