I am not as depressed as I have been, but tonight I'm feeling very sad. I know I have to start reaching out to people so here I am again. This is really hard! I have new respect for those of you who post more regularly and with more detail than I feel comfortable with...wow, good for you guys.

I told my mom I didn't want any Christmas presents this year and gave her the name of some charities, instead. She is mad at me; she won't talk to me or communicate at all...no texts, no phone calls. We have had a strained relationship for about 2 years now. Well, actually most of my life. Okay, all of my life. Of course, I am not really reaching out to her, either. But I still wish that she'd come find me... She's my mom. I wish my mom would come find me, no matter where I was. Every day that I don't hear from her seems to reaffirm the anger and sadness I'm starting to uncover in therapy. I know I won't be having any more Christmases with my family. It makes me really sad. I'm heartbroken in so many ways. Grieving is so hard.

My therapist and I talked about object constancy. I had never heard this term. It makes a lot of sense. I have never understood how people are comforted by images/memories of people. From this perspective, it makes sense that I turn inward when I'm feeling really awful; I guess there is no "object" to go towards to feel better? I have to do better. Not sure how, though, or where to begin!

I left feeling so angry at my therapist yesterday. But I am not angry at her; she's only pointing out the truth, and I am so thankful I have her to do that for me! I'm angry at the situations that are coming up. It hurts like hell, actually. I wanted to kick a hole in the dry wall of her office, but I didn't...it's hard to be "mad" at someone when I know I'm not actually mad them. Does that make sense?

I feel very "at fault" for the issues that are coming up in therapy. I feel like I need to take full responsibility for everything that I struggle with...and there are lots of things, and lots of symptoms. I constantly beat myself up about it: try harder...stop faking...change your thoughts...what is wrong with you...stop overreacting. It is hard to imagine that some of what led to my current behavioral/emotional state may have been out of my control. I guess that makes me feel like I was cheated, a little bit...but I don't want to go all "woe is me" on everyone.

Just feeling sad tonight, is all...reaching out, going against everything my brain is telling me! Gotta start somewhere.