Hey sweetie. Sounds like you are ambivalent. I think that everybody is ambivalent sometimes but ambivalence can be hard to cope with. I guess that people who dissociate have a habit of splitting the incompatible thoughts / feelings / opinions across two or more alters but part of getting better is about being able to tolerate experiencing ambivalence.

Can you talk about what you are ambivalent about to someone? What are the different things that you are feeling split about? There must be some way of integrating them / figuring out what (all things considered) you most want to do or there might be some way of figuring out a comprimise.

I guess it is possible that this is controversial... I don't think it is controversial but you never know I guess...

That dissociation is a process. So when people start to feel ambivalent that is always a bit of a risk time when people can deal with the ambivalence by splitting the different viewpoints or people can integrate by finding some way... And that is something that can happen over and over and over... So the last integration doesn't have to be (is probably unlikely to be) final... It is about getting better at this process...

Do you have someone you can talk to about what is up?

People here might be able to help if you talk to us...
Or someone in real life (a church leader or whatever)