The session went okay. I'm confused more than ever...

So when I sat down T2 asked what my feelings where? What was my thinking about the need for the additional session. I told her that I had confusing feelings about the session... And that I didn't like how I handled things.. I said there seemed to be two issues...the practical and the emotional...

I told her that although kind...it felt like she was offering a short term solution to a long term issue. That my car insurance payment doubled since my son started driving...that older s is going to be in college next year and that I don't see the ability to pay changing very much anytime soon but I wasn't going to be willing to tell my s he couldn't go to school so I can pay for T.... She said she knew it was a long term solution when she offered it but that she does ask clients from time to time if they are able to pay more and the answer of no is fine too... I told her that it seemed like maybe she changed her mind in the second session and didn't really want me to accept that offer ... She said she made these policies long ago and has them set the same for every person even though some of the issues won't apply to my situation...

We talked about the fact that I found that she said she cared about me upsetting. I said when she first said it..it felt good and nice...but then later it felt sort of like a bad thing... I said that I knew it was appropriate and meant in a normal therapeutic way... But it triggered feelings in me that where extreme....I said it started to feel like too much ...like pressure..like she was going to expect things and stuff. I then went on about the things that I like about her is that she is the same every week...warm but somewhat distant but that the session when she said she cared was different... I told her it changed things... She asked if it changed how I saw her and I said no it's my feelings that have changed.... She asked if it felt more like we are in relationship... And I said yes and that was a big a ha moment because we had talked about attachment and she's knows I have issues with that
.... I call it the come here come here come here get away get away get away syndrome.

I told her that I could see that the sending the check for the extra money was my way of telling her to get away.. I told her I was sorry nap out that and that I realized that it was a very passive aggressive way of handling things .. And she just smiled and said see how far you've come you can't just do passive aggressive things anymore without noticing and you called to deal with it..

So we ended it with her asking me to journal and think about whether this was an attachment thing and to try to get to the feelings underneath ...from the past that might be driving me to have such a strong reaction .... To discuss with her or with the new T...

She told me she meant it for the long run and I needed to give myself a break from the pressure to decide and just think about it for a while...that she said the door will remain open... She once again said we'll u like every I other week part...and I still couldn't correct her.

So I'm back to having to think by out it again