It's hard to pick just one...but I guess I would want my T to be there when I'm in the middle of one of my "crises" - I actually did imagine him there this past weekend and tried to figure out what he would tell me to do or what he, himself, would do....but I wasn't quite sure. I just imagined him sitting there with me on the front step as I smoked my cigarette. And he wasn't judgmental and he didn't yell at me. He didn't look at me like I'm stupid or crazy. He understood it wasn't so easy. He held my hand. I put my head on his shoulder.

Having him there in my mind actually was very helpful. I wish he could really be there in those moments so he could see just how deep the pain goes cause I'm not sure he always understands. Well, I know he doesn't always understand cause there are times he prefaces with "I'm not sure I'm understanding everything you're saying..." If he was there in one of these moments, I have hope he might see what I mean.