I am not as depressed as I have been, but tonight I'm feeling very sad. I know I have to start reaching out to people so here I am again. This is really hard! I have new respect for those of you who post more regularly and with more detail than I feel comfortable with...wow, good for you guys.

im so glad you reached out here it's not easy, but I've found it very helpful to do so and that it helps me to process stuff from T and to get through the weeks.

I told my mom I didn't want any Christmas presents this year and gave her the name of some charities, instead. She is mad at me; she won't talk to me or communicate at all...no texts, no phone calls. We have had a strained relationship for about 2 years now. Well, actually most of my life. Okay, all of my life. Of course, I am not really reaching out to her, either. But I still wish that she'd come find me... She's my mom. I wish my mom would come find me, no matter where I was. Every day that I don't hear from her seems to reaffirm the anger and sadness I'm starting to uncover in therapy. I know I won't be having any more Christmases with my family. It makes me really sad. I'm heartbroken in so many ways. Grieving is so hard.

I wish my mom would come find me, too. I'm sorry - that's so painful. I know, for me anyway, holiday time is so much harder.

My therapist and I talked about object constancy. I had never heard this term. It makes a lot of sense. I have never understood how people are comforted by images/memories of people. From this perspective, it makes sense that I turn inward when I'm feeling really awful; I guess there is no "object" to go towards to feel better? I have to do better. Not sure how, though, or where to begin!

I left feeling so angry at my therapist yesterday. But I am not angry at her; she's only pointing out the truth, and I am so thankful I have her to do that for me! I'm angry at the situations that are coming up. It hurts like hell, actually. I wanted to kick a hole in the dry wall of her office, but I didn't...it's hard to be "mad" at someone when I know I'm not actually mad them. Does that make sense?

Yes, this makes total sense to me. I get so angry at my T sometimes that I want to explode at him. He is so good about taking any responsibility that is actually his and trying to help me see where the intensity of the anger is coming from...l haven't been able to emotionally figure it out yet.

I feel very "at fault" for the issues that are coming up in therapy. I feel like I need to take full responsibility for everything that I struggle with...and there are lots of things, and lots of symptoms. I constantly beat myself up about it: try harder...stop faking...change your thoughts...what is wrong with you...stop overreacting. It is hard to imagine that some of what led to my current behavioral/emotional state may have been out of my control. I guess that makes me feel like I was cheated, a little bit...but I don't want to go all "woe is me" on everyone.

this was so profound to me! I see myself in your words - as I feel so responsible all.the.time And I have a problem with needing to feel in control at all times too....I think I do figure if I was not in control of some of what led my to where I am at right now, well, what's to say it won't happen again??? Maybe that's why I'm so hyper vigilant and always trying to stay 10 steps ahead of everyone and everything...but being 10 steps ahead is lonely and so very exhausting! Cause I have to carry everything and walk/run extra fast. Thanks for sharing - you really helped me to think about some things I hadn't thought about before

Just feeling sad tonight, is all...reaching out, going against everything my brain is telling me! Gotta start somewhere.