I have a lot of feelings about it: shame, guilt, relief, anxiety, frustration, curiousity, and sadness to name a few. Maybe anger too.

I don't want it to be a boundary crossing, but that's not up to me to decide.
I feel ashamed of doing it, and guilty. I also feel some relief that she knows about it and wants to help me. It didn't "sit right" with me, but I pushed those feelings aside after I did it. Frustrated and sad because I want to be in her life, and this illustrates my pattern that I've lived with all of my life. Anger because it feels like she's rejecting me. That's sadness too. Curiosity because I want to figure it out and not have these compulsions anymore.

Thank you for asking me that question, likelife.