Because I'm not sure if this is more about self-mutilation (in other words, "Cutting" and similar types of self-inflicted injury). I hope this is the right place.

I'm really struggling with this. And frankly, I guess my attitude is not one that the mental health professionals would approve of. I think it is my life, and I am the only one qualified to decide whether or not I consider it too painful to continue with it. That being said, if this is against some forum rules, please delete it, moderators, and thank you.

I attempted it a year ago September. Not because of a mental health issue per se, but because the response when I sought out treatment for a mental health issue left me devastated and broken. I was sent, pretty much against my will, even though it was technically "voluntary", to a psych day hospital program. That experience leaves me feeling like I'm forever marked to be a target of ridicule, discrimination, and shame.

I felt then like my life was over. I still feel that way 15 months out. And, hardly a day has gone by when I haven't regretted my inability to carry it out. OTOH, there have also been some times I have been grateful I didn't.

Lately, though, I am in a very bad place emotionally, and I think quite often about it, and the fact that I feel my life is over, just as I have ever since that day last year when I was sent to the program. It never gets better. Never. Every day is torture.

Honestly, I just don't think I can spend the potential rest of my life, 30-40 years, whatever that may be, living with this level of shame, and guilt. It's too much.

I have a strong desire to purchase the means, just in case I get to that point.

Is it "mental illness"? Or, is it just being pragmatic. People in my world would be shocked and probably disgusted with me if I were found out. And probably hate me forever. Maybe I would find understanding. But I'm not counting on it, at least not from the vast majority of those in my circles,, personal or professional.

So, it leaves me just wanting to take myself that one step closer, having the means available should I decide I no longer can take the pain of this situation.

And, I am sorry if this offends anyone, my motto now is "my life, my choice." No one else deserves a say.