I don't contribute much to the forums here but read a lot and struggle with PTSD, depression both related to family abuse, and over the past 10 months, suicidality. I am not regularly in therapy but have been off and on in some sort of a have-it-when-I-need-it arrangement. I just can't understand what is going on right now and was wondering if anyone else suffers from similar circumstances-

I am extremely hopeless and wanting more than anything to kill myself, angry at the world and people who I feel take me for granted. I have not had an attempt for fear that I will be unsuccessful and end up hospitalized and having to explain the depth of my sickness to family who has no clue what is going on. I actively think of ways I could accomplish killing myself, though, and keep thinking of timetables and setting things in place on the calendar to almost delay it.

At the same time, I am trying my best to live as normal a life as possible and feel that I have none of the classic symptoms of someone who is harboring such dark thoughts. I am enrolled full time in college with an overwhelming workload, grades are average, depression inhibits me from performing to my normal level of high achiever but still I live a largely normal life. thus when I think about trying to confide or seek help I think people think I'm looking for attention and making things up, which makes the urge to harm myself even stronger.

I guess that I just want to understand and feel some sort of reassurance that I'm not completely odd for this dichotomy in my life. I pray every night that my life could be over unintentionally but I guess that it's in my hands.