All I can say is, trying to live with hope almost completely gone, when most of what's left is a black hole of your worst fears inside, well it's not conducive to a sparkly, fun mood, is it? It begins to change you, begins to turn you into something subhuman, cynical, dark, cold, alien. Something you can almost hate. It robs you of the last freedom - self-determination. Things begin to no longer even make sense. I'm throwing everything I can at it, but this is getting very difficult to handle.