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Originally Posted by MotownJohnny
Because I'm not sure if this is more about self-mutilation (in other words, "Cutting" and similar types of self-inflicted injury). I hope this is the right place.
I'm really struggling with this. And frankly, I guess my attitude is not one that the mental health professionals would approve of. I think it is my life, and I am the only one qualified to decide whether or not I consider it too painful to continue with it. That being said, if this is against some forum rules, please delete it, moderators, and thank you.
I attempted it a year ago September. Not because of a mental health issue per se, but because the response when I sought out treatment for a mental health issue left me devastated and broken. I was sent, pretty much against my will, even though it was technically "voluntary", to a psych day hospital program. That experience leaves me feeling like I'm forever marked to be a target of ridicule, discrimination, and shame.
I felt then like my life was over. I still feel that way 15 months out. And, hardly a day has gone by when I haven't regretted my inability to carry it out. OTOH, there have also been some times I have been grateful I didn't.
Lately, though, I am in a very bad place emotionally, and I think quite often about it, and the fact that I feel my life is over, just as I have ever since that day last year when I was sent to the program. It never gets better. Never. Every day is torture.
Honestly, I just don't think I can spend the potential rest of my life, 30-40 years, whatever that may be, living with this level of shame, and guilt. It's too much.
I have a strong desire to purchase the means, just in case I get to that point.
Is it "mental illness"? Or, is it just being pragmatic. People in my world would be shocked and probably disgusted with me if I were found out. And probably hate me forever. Maybe I would find understanding. But I'm not counting on it, at least not from the vast majority of those in my circles,, personal or professional.
So, it leaves me just wanting to take myself that one step closer, having the means available should I decide I no longer can take the pain of this situation.
And, I am sorry if this offends anyone, my motto now is "my life, my choice." No one else deserves a say.
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Johnny,
I guess depression would be the place to post, but that doesn't matter, you are ok here.
This is a really bad time of year for those of us who are depressed. It must be doubly hard for you since you are already depressed.
It is your life and your choice, but my guess is you don't really want to die, but rather you want the pain to end. After awhile, the two get clumped together and are hard to seperate out.
Like you, I was once forceably put into the psych ward at a local hospital where I had to stay for 72 hours. At the time I felt betrayed. A friend drove me home from her house only to find the family Dr., a counselor friend and my friend at the time in our living room waiting to give me the choice of committing myself, or having them do it. At the time, you had to have three signatures, the parents, the Dr. and a mental health professional if you were over 18. Its not exactly an ego builder.
Your file says PTSD though not how you got it. I guess you could call it mental illness, but I do know it is devestating. After I left home and a very violent and abusive older brother, I would have bouts where I had to sleep under a mattress leaning against a wall with the rear opening against the other wall so that I would only have one opening to protect. I had a knife on me all the time. To this day, decades later, I still can't sleep without being fully dressed with my sneakers on in case I have to get away fast. My brother is three states and twelve hours away and yet I can't shake it. It sucks. There is no way around it.
I do understand your not really trusting the mental health system. It sounds like you need to find a way to come to terms with what ever happened though. There is probably a good therapist out there, and you don't have to tell anyone you are going. Living the kind of life you are is just no good. I'm not saying its easy, or that you are in full control. You need to find a way to fight it and put it behind you. The fact that you came here says you want to get better and live.
There is a group that you can either e-mail or call.
jo@samaritans.com
I think that is right, but if not, just google samaritans. I write to them often. there are branches here and in Europe. I chose to e-mail the one over seas to avoid my over sensitive need for privacy. They will not judge you and are not for or against suicide. They are volunteers who are there to deal with people having problems. They won't give you direct answers, but may ask leading questions to help you figure out why you are where you are. They are also bound by their own law of not saying anything to anyone regardless of what you are saying or doing. They will answer an e-mail within 12 hours.
Sometimes feelings like those you are having seem so bad that they will kill you just by being there. The pain is not something you can describe, just that its ripping you up inside. You have come this far. Summon whatever courage has gotten you to this point alive and keep fighting.
Sam2