Since T self disclosed a tough personal situation she's facing, I feel I can no longer reach out to her when I need to. I've never abused the privilege. I am very respectful of boundaries and would never overdo contacting her out of session.

But, now, I'm trying to get drunk. I haven't had alcohol for decades. I'm depressed. And, normally, I would text T and tell her what's going on. But,now, I can't. Not because she has restricted contact but because her personal life is so challenging now and I don't feel that I have the right to contact her.

I'm even having sui thoughts again. Not serious by any means but my mind is skirting the temptation. I would NEVER follow through - there is no threat but it's just an indication of how I feel.

With T's personal life being so challenging, not only do I feel I've lost my option to contact her now but I also fear her situation contains a risk that she will move out of area or quit her practice. I have no concrete evidence this could happen but it...could...

This 'loss' of T hurts.

(Oh, and I didn't purchase enough alcohol to obtain my objective - I am so ignorant of how it all works.)