Sorry I never got back to this thread, because I do very much appreciate the thoughts, ideas, and mostly someone to talk to in this.

I made a thread in the spirituality support forum, for the tragic passing of my long time friend. So defiantly not feeling up to eating anything. The stress has just magnified since I wrote this first post.

Eskie, could not agree more. I was dx'd with anorexia when I was 5. I had been through quite a bit of trauma by then. It was not a body image problem at 5. It was something that I could steer and direct and have a say in.since I had very little else I could control. The eating disorder clinic was very focused on body image, which yes over the years it had evolved into a problem, but not the heart of the problem. The source of these issues runs much deeper than outward appearance, most definitely.

I have had this illness so long that to my family I am sure it just seems part of me. I come from a family of binge eaters, so it not any wonder really why it almost seems normal enough. Disordered eating was just something you do. I also have always put a facade over this aspect as well. My pdoc once told me that anorexics were the best actors. As in reference to the extent of masking it. Which, when something is scary to give up, of course you will not let it show, lest someone tries to interfere. That was my thinking for most of my life.

I am just trying to get through this week. My.friends passing triggers all sorts of feelings for me, and my own issues with domestic violence. I feel like I let her down somehow, having been in these circumstances before. My rational mind knows that I may not have been able to change the events, my heart and stomach don't feel that way tho. I feel so guilty.

My mom is starting aggressive treatment, there is not much I can do there except try to be there for her.

It has been a difficult year, I am scheduled for surgery mid January, to fix that implant from the bike accident. I know a few of you might remember that. Just ugh, I do need to be in good health for that.

Mm thank you for the suggestions. Have to get some nourishment in, yes. My job is still just as physically demanding. And I am finding myself beyond extremely exhausted and lethargic at the end of the day.

I will see what I can do, if I can get something in. Just a ball of nerves at the moment.

Thanks for the ears, shoulders, and just for talking with me here. I know I have been disconnected, and that it can seem indifferent at times. I know that is when I am really struggling, when I build some strange walls. I do appreciate the support especially when I am doing that.

Of course then I start a thread which is actually a scary problem for me, and then avoid the thread for a bit, because it seems too difficult to deal with at that moment. Hmm.. I feel a bit selfish, and not deserving of the... Um.what's the right word.. Hmm, undivided attentio? I think that is it.

Cristina, Trippin, thank you to you both too!!! Trippin, it's not a bad idea, anger can be useful when used to motivate change. I feel that is the whole point of feeling anger at all. I am very angry right now. I am so angry that if women do not follow suit they can just be snuffed out. And that anger, I am not quite sure what to do with.

Fuzzy, right back at you..

Love you guys all. Xox