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Originally Posted by blur
rain, i think it's great your T is so understanding and doesn't shame you because that really isn't going to help. i do think you have a hard time being honest about your emotions and it is really tripping you up everywhere. whether it is being in love with your T, being sexually attracted to her (for whatever reason) or admitting that it is inappropriate to drive by her house you resist admitting these things and try to downplay or normalize them at times. it is okay to admit your feelings whether they are appropriate or not. denying them won't make them go away but rather empower them so it's best to just be honest about them and work thru them.
as for your crossing her boundaries this is about *her* first and foremost. it is hurtful to others when you do it and you seem somewhat unaware of that. instead, it seems like you're playing a bit of whack-a-mole with your behaviors. you say you won't email so you post more on PC, you say you won't post more on PC so you google, you say you won't look her family up on FB so you drive by. something like that. your behaviors seem to just shift rather than get resolved. the only way to resolve them is to stop doing these things and feel the incredibly uncomfortable feelings that will come up. you can do it but it will be painful. in order to stop these behaviors you have to deal with your honest emotions and stop resisting them.
while you may be copying your brother's behavior i think you don't like that your T has boundaries because she is not in your real life and so you cross them in an effort to bridge that gap. i really think it's important for you to get some understanding why people are separate persons from you. can you talk to your T about why you don't understand boundaries? it seems like a very important discussion to have.
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Thank you, blur. It seems like others on here have downplayed the googling, where as I think it's a problem. But you're right. I have all of these feelings that I can't seem to control, and they're hard to admit because I'm ashamed of them.
My T and I talked about boundaries some time ago, and I did an exercise with a rope to set my own boundaries. I will talk about it with her some more. I also think you're right that I don't like T having boundaries because she's not in my real life. I hate that fact more than anything. She says that it won't stop until we work through it. No, I won't go past her house again, but the urge is there, and will be until I somehow get past it. Not doing it doesn't make the feelings go away. I think T and I will work on this until I quit. I couldn't sleep last night thinking about my deductible in January, and there's not enough time. I'm not in such a good place right now.
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Originally Posted by anilam
Rain, you struggle with this even IRL so therapy is a great place to work it through. Thankfully you have a T who understands, some Ts could panic about client finding out their location and driving by. Honestly, for me even googling s.o. I have some RS with is not OK- if it's a professional RS I'd do that before I see him/her to decide whether or not I'd see him/her. I just don't like to know more than the person decided to share. See, everyone's boundaries are a bit different.
As much as I don't understand this behaviour I think shaming won't help (never does with me). Being curious (love that phrase) might help you understand and stop this.
BTW I don't think T (not) offering lower fee says something about the RS (I.e. whether he likes the client or not)
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Thanks, anilam. I agree about the fee. She told me that she has to pay her bills! Yeah, I'm thankful for my T being curious and understanding. She's the greatest!