I felt really down the past two years.. I've tried to sort of ignore it, avoid it..
things aren't exactly better so i'm not too sure that what i'd been doing is working.
For a while, for several months, I was crying every single day, spending all of my time alone, feeling hopeless.
I found this site, found some good people, and began to feel better, little by little..
After talking to people here, I felt like I wasn't so alone, and that there were others out there who felt just like me. It was great.
But after a while, I began to come on here, feeling not too sad, but after reading some things, I ended up feeling even worse.. Instead of feeling like I wasn't so alone (which i did know), I started to think that if so many people out there feel so crappy like i do, and if they battle depression and all these feelings for so long then maybe I was going to do the same as well.. I was losing hope.
I stopped coming on here for a while.. but i don't know...
after i did that. I also started avoiding other things that upset me or would trigger bad feelings and sadness. I have been avoiding certain people, situations, things, and sometimes even thoughts and feelings.
I am not sure if I am doing the right thing when I avoid those things that upset me..
Nobody understands why I've been avoiding certain things. My parents were trying to get me to do something i had already tried twice and been turned down twice.. I wouldn't do it and still havent done it because of the fear of being rejected once again.
I have had some really bad days and weeks and it just doesn't seem like it's ever going to end.
a few months ago I tried talking to a "proffessional" about it, but it just wasn't for me.
I used to want to take medication but now I'm not sure I want to depend on drugs to be "happy."
My family isn't understanding nor supportive and neither are the few acquaintances that I haven't successfully pushed away yet.
I broke down earlier, wanting to die,.. I've prayed so many times to God that I wil just die. Sometimes i feel so unworthy.
I am seen by others as someone who thinks is better than everyone else.. i've become so unfriendly and such a.. well, just not a good person to be around.
The only good thing in life right now is that I might be able to start school this summer.. i can't wait.
That is the only thing i have to look foward to. I can't do anything else..

I don't know how much longer I'm gonna be able to pretend like everything is ok. The breaking point is coming soon and i can feel it.
Why is everyone in denial about my unwellness?? ... i know that's not a word..
Even after i told them that i was told that i had depression, they've just acted like there is nothing wrong.
i sit in my room once again all day, scared out of my mind, and then wait for them to come home to yell at me and tell me that i need a job. Dam dont they get that i tried> i got fired from my 2 week job because i was "too quiet" and "not friendly" and my manager told me that i showed no motivation or confidence.. i never thought strangers would realize that.. especially when my own stupid ignorant family thinks i'm just a stuck up, vain, teenager, full of herself.
if they only knew... I hate myself. my body, everything.. they believe i am only lying when i say that i am unconfident and that i have a low self esttem, and that I only want attention. They know nothing.
i too am in denial but only sometimes, because out of nowhere, i end up breaking down and realize who am i kidding?? My family, for sure since they don't know or don't want to know anything is wrong, but I am NOT fooling myself, even though I try.

i dont care anymore and im so negative and i wish i wasnt here..
why am I being tortured with living?

i dont want anything but to jsut die and make space for someone more deserving than me.
but of course, i never get what i want.