Quote:
Originally Posted by archipelago
It has occurred to me reading posts here that the issue of boundaries really gets to people and people seem to have very strongly held views about the issue. So I thought maybe a general discussion would be helpful.
I myself don't find myself too concerned with boundaries. I don't even like the word. It means a wall of some kind in some sense. It doesn't seem to be a human type word.
So I'm wondering how people conceive of boundaries, mainly in therapy of course, though what we do in therapy also has influences beyond that, either from the past or in the present. Also what are the views about how the therapist needs to set boundaries, that I think is implicit in our understanding of what we do as well.
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If someone doesn't feel that they have or need boundaries, maybe it is because their boundaries have never been crossed (at least not in any significant way)? Personally, I have had my boundaries crossed by other people and it feels so horrible, violating, unsafe, intrusive, creepy, gross, and terrifying. I feel very strongly that I need boundaries in order to keep myself safe. I need to protect myself from unwanted touch, spying, force, coercion, violence-- and just basic privacy, alone time, and the ability to let my guard down and relax without fear. I'm not a T but I am a professor, and I very much feel the need to keep my professional and personal lives separate. I've had students look me up and spy on me, and it feels very scary, violating, threatening, and creepy. It significantly interferes with my ability to feel safe enough to just let my guard down and relax at the end of the day. No one should have to give up that safety in order to do their job. That's something we are all entitled to. It's similar with friends and colleagues. I like spending time with them and bonding with them, but I still need boundaries to protect myself. I can only handle receiving so many calls, text messages, etc and I do not want to hug or be touched by all of them, I do not want to tell them about all of my social plans, trips, dating life, etc. There are things I need to keep private in order to feel safe and comfortable. If people in my life cannot accept pr respect my boundaries, then I can't keep them in my life. Even "ok, I'll try" is not good enough. My safety is very important to me and I've learned, through therapy, that I get to come first in my own life. I've had my boundaries violated for so long that now, as an adult, I get to protect myself from those who try to violate them. I'm very glad that my therapist has good boundaries so that she and I can be on the same page about this. In fact, one of the first questions I asked her was: "What are your boundaries?" I wanted to know that they were to know if she and I were going to be compatible, and I wanted to make sure that I would know what her boundaries were so that I could respect them. She has done the same for me.