hey zen. guess i'm just trying to protect the part of me that just cries and cries and cries. i know that he isn't trying to hurt me and i know that he will come back and i know that i will see him again... but she cries and cries and cries like he is dead. like he is never coming back. and another part is so %#@&#! mad that she cares about him at all. and mad because he must know how this affects her. and maybe he does mean to hurt her after all. just because he can. maybe he is trying to provoke her into coming out of hiding so he can abuse her. feel all big about himself that she is all needy and dependent on him and that it affects her in this way. and so that part is so mad with him. for being ignorant. or for knowing and doing it anyway. for hurting her. for (maybe) trying to hurt her. and mad at her to because she won't shut up. so conflict... and bam! shut up bam!

and i don't like this zen. and i can't talk to him about it (or the protectors will hurt me / him). and i'm a bit scared that they might try and hurt him anyways. so now i think i need to back off 'cause it isn't safe for me or for him. it isn't safe. and so... it isn't good when i care about people 'cause i'll only hurt them. and i need to back off. and if i care i should just leave him alone. 'cause they'll hurt him they will :-(
:-(
:-(

so whatever... i don't care i don't I DON'T



and if i go... i don't know how to be.
i don't know how to be anymore.