hey. i don't think i can tell him i'm unhappy about the scheduling. i'm fairly sure i looked unhappy about the scheduling. i can't tell him that i am unhappy though. because i know its fair enough. i know that already. so...

i guess i'm not angry so much as...

sad.

but...

i don't care. i don't.

angry.

i don't know how i feel.

ambivalent, i guess.

maybe what has happened is that he thought he would need more than weekly sessions to get me to trust him and to get some kind of transference going on. but... that has happened already so why bother seeing me more. part of me is wondering whether he is doing this to try and provoke me. thats not it exactly... if he is going with the public holidays and stuff and not being too bothered about rescheduling because he figures this might just be the way to get me talking about transference stuff etc.

i haven't told him that both the guys who sexually abused me did that shortly after their wives had babies. i'm ambivalent about regarding it as 'abuse' but it was an inappropriate relationship at any rate. my dad left. these guys were nice to me. wanted stuff from me. i didn't want them to go. all this stuff is going to come up fast huh. he doesn't know about them. he knows my dad left. maybe he thinks he is tapping into that. i don't know. reality check reality check i need a reality check. he isn't them he is not. and i don't need him i don't care i don't care if he leaves.

ugh ugh ugh.