So here's my issue. I want to go straight edge. As in completely straight edge. I want to know what my body and brain are like naturally just to see if maybe I won't feel better. I'm on such a large drug cocktail (legal and the occasional party drug) that I don't even remember what normal feels like. I don't like being dependent on these medications first and foremost. I feel like the side effects are starting to outweigh the benefits. And when the side effects hit what I've been doing is adding more drugs to mediate them instead of quitting. Frankly I'm scared of quitting. I am functional right now which is more than can be said of some points in my life and I am scared that I will lose my ability to function if I quit taking what I am taking. Speaking of here is what I am prescribed: adderall 10mg 3x daily (I do take two days off every week where I take no adderall and some days if I am working on a difficult project I will take an extra adderall), I take xanax as needed (I average between 1.5mg-2.5mg a day but I'm prescribed 1mg 3x daily), 10.5mg Celexa, 15mg Remeron, and 30mg Restoril. I drink and smoke pot recreationally about once every week or so, sometimes less.
I want to start by quitting drinking and smoking. I'm not worried about that since that is so rare for me anyway. I don't even think I'll miss it. Next I want to quit Adderall. I feel like adderall could be adding to my anxiety and it also sucks out my creativity. I can think linearly and I can be productive but I'm not my artistic spontaneous self. It also doesn't work so well anymore. I can sometimes take a 10mg pill and go right to sleep. I feel like I crash after 2 hours so if I don't get my studying done within 2 hours of taking the pill I'm screwed. When I crash my ability to focus is twice as bad as when I don't take adderall period. I also get anxious or irritable when I crash and that's when I feel the need to reach for the xanax.
I've come off Adderall cold turkey before and was successful for about two months but I began taking it when school was back in session. I'm a premed student, I'm working on a yoga certification and also beginning to build a modeling portfolio and planning a long term cross country road trip (another reason to quit meds, they won't be readily available to me on my trip). Basically I'm under a lot of pressure right now. I'm also broke and desperately in need of a job. In short I'm terrified I won't be able to do this without Adderall. I can't drink coffee either because of stomach problems so when I quit Adderall I'm quitting all stimulants period and I have a lot of fatigue issues. I still find it terribly hard to get up in the morning. The only thing that gets me out of bed is keeping my adderall on my nightstand and immediately taking it when the alarm goes off.
Winter break is coming up soon and I will have three weeks without school. I was going to quit Adderall cold turkey then. I know what to expect and I know how to deal with it but it's going to be rougher this time because I can't replace it with caffeine. I also wanted to use those three weeks to job search and do a couple photoshoots but I don't know if I'll be able to. Suppose I just have to accept that and put that off.
I'm hoping that quitting Adderall will naturally make my anxiety and insomnia issues decrease. I have no illusions- those issues aren't going to magically disappear but perhaps they will be less severe. I then intend to taper off of xanax very slowly, maybe .5mg a week. Then taper off the restoril as well in the same manner. I'm very nervous about quitting xanax as my anxiety is through the roof these days.
I suffer from PTSD that gets so bad that I can barely leave the house. I take xanax, have a daily meditation practice, do yoga at least once a day, take valerian root, and have regular therapy and still I'm highly symptomatic. The thought of not having xanax terrifies me. But the thought that I am dependent on it at this high of a level terrifies me even more. I've also built up such a tolerance to xanax that I barely feel anything when I take my full dose (3mg daily).
I'm waiting to talk to my psychiatrist about tapering off the antidepressants. That is something I want him to be involved in however (and I know you guys will probably chew me out for this) I am not telling him about the xanax and adderall. Like I said I'm poor. I sell adderall and xanax to friends so I can eat. Not a good thing but when you're this broke you do what you have to do. So I still want my scripts to sell. Honestly a part of my motivation for quitting is so I can sell more. Desperate times call for desperate measures and I'm trying to find a better (legal) way to support myself but until I do...
Anyway... any tips on quitting? Any side effects I should be aware of? Does this sound like a doable plan? My fear is that three weeks won't be long enough to recover from the adderall and I'll still be fatigued and unable to fulfill my work and school obligations. I can't afford to let my GPA slip any further if I want to go to med school. I'm out of school by the end of next summer. Should I just take a break from Adderall so my tolerance goes back to normal and then keep taking it to get through these classes and go straight edge after that? Should I try to just bite the bullet and get it over with and come off them all at the same time or do it one by one so it's less of a shock to my system?
I know there is never a good time to quit meds but I know intuitively that I need to eventually. I may be one of those people who need medications to function and that is okay with me but I want to explore other options first before I decide I need to be on meds for the rest of my life, especially meds that I think may be harming me or that I am getting side effects and tolerance for. Just because it's prescribed to me doesn't mean I don't have addiction and dependency issues. I really wish I never chose to go down this road. I feel like my body chemistry is all messed up and the meds are just adding to it.
Any advice on how and when to quit these meds would be much appreciated. Thank you.