There are so many different parts of me. So many different ways I behave andim trying to get them to blend and fit together buttheres this thing in the middle that’s so warped and disfigured and th it woont let them fit together. it’s the bingeing and purging and drinking and cursing and sex and lesbianism and evilness and hatred and anger and destruction and black and pain and death and wanting to be so violent. Its all packed up inside. Its like a black hole in my chest. No not a hole. Like the black spot. Cankerous. Stench. Ugly. So very ugly. And I don’t know what it is. Do I? IS IT WHAT I SAID ABOVE? IS THAT ALL IT IS? LIKE THERES SOMETHING REALLY WRONG. LIKE PEOPLE WILL SEE HOW … BAD I AM. LIKE THEY THINK ITS SAFE TO GET TO KNOW ME AND THEY SEE THE SHINY OUTSIDE AND THINGK ALL IS GOOD AND THEN … ITS LIKE BITING INTO AN APPLE AND FINDING OUT THE INSIDE IS ROTTEN AND FULL OF BUGS CRAWLING ALL OVER IT AND THROUGH IT AND ITS DRY AND DESICATED AND STINKS AND YELLOW AND BROWN AND THE FIRST THING YOU DO IS DROP IT AND TRUN AWAY DISGUSTED. THAT’S WHATS INSIDE ME. THAT’S WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE INSIDE ME. THAT’S WHAT I AVOID.I HATE IT. I HATE ME. AND SOMETIMES I CAN FEEL IT SEEPING OUT THROUGH MY SKIN AND I HAVE TO CUT IT OUT AND I FEEL LIKE ALL THE FAT ON MY BODY IS OOZING THIS STUFF. ITS LIKE A SIGNPOST. TO HOW UGLY I AM. SO I BINGE TO NUMB AND TO GET IT OUT. THE PURGING IS GETTING IT OUT SO I FEEL EMPTY. SO WHEN ALL THE PIECES OF ME CAN BE MANAGED SO THAT THEY FIT TOGETHER THIS WILL ALWAYS BE IN THE MIDDLE STOPPING THE WHOLE THING FROM HAPPENING. AND WHAT I WONDER IS WHETHERE THIS EVILNESS INSIDE IS PUT THERE BY DAD AND HIS HATRED OF ME AND IVE INTERNALISED THAT OR WHETHER THERE IS SOMETHING REALLY WRONG WITH ME. AND THE OTHER QUESTION OF COURSE IS IF IT WAS PUT THERE BY HIM MAUBE ITS POSSIBLE TO TAKE IT TOU AND SEE THAT ITS POSSIBLE TO LIVE ANOTHER WAY. THE WAY I WANT. BUT IF ITS ME. IF ITS JUST IN ME AND ITS ME. IF THAT’S WHO I AM. THEN I AM. THAT IS ALSO I REMEMBER NOW. ITS ALSO THE PART OF ME THAT’S HIM. I AM SICK AND WRONG. THAT’S IN ME. THAT’S NOT HIM. THAT’S ME. SO NO WONDER I WANT TO DIE. THAT’S WHAT I AVOID.
god im so scared and it hurts so much.