Hi
I really understand you. My mother just died (she was more or less one year sick)and I am going through a similar situation. In addition, I am a severe disabled person (since my 17's) and I learned I have PKD around 8 years ago; my kidneys are 4 times the normal size (the prognosis is not good) during the year of illness of my mom, my brother took great part of her money without us noticing. I thought my mother was going to die later, and that for the last part would need multiple helpers, that is why I spent part of my savings on her first, and then would use hers. A bad decision, but now it is difficult to say, at that moment I did the best I could, I guess. My other sister died 3 years ago, but her children want their share of the house I live with my brother (it was my mom house, i came from overseas to live with her at the end of last year, as she was not feeling well and for other reasons).
I think my brother has a personality disorder but he does not want to get any treatment for it. On top of depleting my mom accounts, he was impossible to live with making my mom's and my lives miserable during all the time she was sick. I started to look for governmental help to have him be treated, but it took a long time to get things in place and when the social worker finally came to visit the house, I believe I was at the hospital with my mom and he did not open the door. Now we (my brother and I) live in the same house and I pay all the bills. Of course he does not want to move out of or sell the house, as he is very comfortable in it. To move away from him I have to sell this house we are living in. It will be a legal fight, I know that at the end of the day I will get very little money from the sale, and I will have to do all the work, perhaps with my nieces and nephew help. My remaining savings are not much. I am not sure what type of house I will be able to get for me after the sale,probably one in a bad neighborhood.
My kidneys still work more or less but they are hurting. I have worked for most of the time of my life but now it is time to stop working. I will get a pension that is not enough for living, I will have to continue doing some work (under the table because here in my country it is not legal to have both, pension and job)
Living with my brother is not nice at all, also I am exhausted because of my disability and the caregiving of my mom, I miss her a lot, I am depressed. In addition, I feel a need of justice because an abled body person like my brother who is not working is living on my expense, it is taking advantage of my disability (I cannot just kick him out).
Sometimes, when I am too overwhelmed, I want to kill myself.
I was in treatment for depression and anxiety for some time in the near past. The treatment was good, I was given the option to end it, as the worst part was gone. I finished the treatment because i was feeling well and because it was very expensive to keep on. (at that time I was leaving overseas, in the US)
I know I should get psychiatric help again but I do not have the strength. It takes a lot of energy to talk about my feeling to people. It is too painful for me. You cannot imagine. But at least I have managed to start caring for myself recently . Unless now I am better at my personal hygiene, diet, etc. I take good information from this website and from folks here. I know it is not enough but it is all I can do for now.
I think of you and please, continue posting