SOUNDS to me you have taken a lot of meds and wrekky drugs just to stop feeling like most people feel every day . Now you have hit a wall and the only way round is a long detour . To come off the meds your on you will be out of action for some time 3mg XANAX is not working now , to go up on that would spell more trouble. I would say the mix of meds drink and drugs you have taken to make you feel what is impossible to feel will be a long road. I have been on it myself it can be made stable but you will need some sort of med , lets face the truth you have reached a point and taken a look at yourself and you don't like it , DIG DEEP and and start the life style shake up now, good luck