I get it changed...

to next Friday. So only two days later than planned. With another new doctor. I hope this one at least will understand what lamotrigine is - I had to re-explain it three times when I was in the ER which felt humiliating.

A friend of mine had an appointment for this week and it got cancelled as well - and she was offered days for next week. So knowing that, I called back to just make an appointment and told them I didn't care who it was with - again. I was absolutely terrified and got off the phone and felt like I was going to throw up. Instead I cried, and text a friend to say that I did it.

She then said that my T should be helping me with this (she used to work with him) and I told her how last time I saw him, he said that I'd be on probation if I worked at his job with how much time I've had off. He meant it as a joke, but my friend was I think a bit mad and she actually called his boss because that's her best friend. She didn't use any names, but when she told me that I almost had a total meltdown. But she reasserted that it's the sort of thing he actually should be helping with.

Like... asking for help is just really hard. I don't really know how to do it. And being assertive? OMG. I just can't get through it easily. I know that I have to right now, because my phyiscal health is clearly going out the window this year... but it's so scary. And just GOING to the hospital is scary for me.

((Also - not diagnosed with PTSD. My T's the one who informed me that yes, I've experienced trauma.... which I sorta find hard to accept anyway, but he said he didn't think I have PTSD as I'd agree as I don't have flashbacks.... but this forum seems to be the one where this fits the most and I'm comfortable in here))