Asking what I want out of jointing this forum is a good question. I'm not sure I know the answer though. I don't think I'm just seeking advice. I feel I know the right answers. ( stop dwelling/ start living). And it probably is better to come home to an empty house, than an abusive one. I've been beat up before. I know. But there is also the other side. Hearing everyone's stories of family, and not having one of your own. I spend the holidays alone. Never married. No children. No relationship that even got close.

I guess I'm just seeking a place to vent at times in a forum that's safe, because I can be anonymous here. And maybe in venting ill figure out why my life ended up in such a sucky place.

I'm in my 40's, hold a professional job, and out in public need to act like I got it together. Like if life gives you a raw deal, you can still beat it. But being at home hurts. And the questions I keep asking are what did I do to end up alone? Why is my family (parents, brother) not understand me? And I ask where is God in my life?

I have a significant visual impairment, and live in a community without public transportation. But this is where my job has me. I can get out walking spring through fall. But winter hits, and I'm stuck. Literally. Alone and stuck. And therefore, things I do do to help, have to end for several months. It seems like a big joke sometimes. I force my self to be self reliant, and the one thing I Ned to be self reliant (vision and transportation) isn't available.

I feel like I'm always grieving a loss. Loss of my vision, loss of independence, loss of close family member due to dementia. And now there is a terrible situation at work, that will probably be the most stressful of my career.

I don't know what I'm seeking though. I just want it not to hurt so bad. I want one area that can feel better is all.

Sorry if my motives should be different.