I got through yesterday, was very helpful to have everyone's support here. I woke up this morning with this rupture on my mind and felt like I'd be sick. I thought about what had transpired, and suddenly an idea hit me:

My therapist is pushing me to "express all my anger" and I got really angry...

and she could not handle me.

See.... it is too much. I told her the other day (metaphorically) I was afraid to be angry, needed help directing it and not burning down the house. But... that did not work out did it. See, I got angry and I definitely said the wrong things, and now she is tired of ME ME ME.

I feel hopeless. How can I go back to therapy and be feeling safe. Oh well, nothing I can think to do but wait and see if I hear from her. I did rely on her, this kind of sucks, but maybe I could find someone new or something, but... I am pretty attached to her.

I better calm down- this can't be as bad as it seems...maybe.

Edited to add: I must be catastrophizing... just because we can't handle something once or twice doesn't mean we can't do it at all. But... it sounded like she was really really sick of me, so... I don't know if it was an off day or the truth coming out. I hate this. I wish I could see it clearer.

I think my heart is going to break. She & I were very close, and now I don't know anything.

I need to stop refreshing my message notification to see if she's sent one. I'm like a damn conditioned rat, looking for the reward of a message. I need to grow up and start acting like a person and get back to work. See THIS is why I'm not big on being emotional. THIS is why I trust my OWN judgement, because it's so ridiculously messy to get involved with someone else, and to admit to feelings, as if I could execute them with the grace of a Monet, instead of the stick-figure images I'm really capable of.