thanks zen. i...
yeah. i guess i'm already be-ing. tonight i've been drink-ing. i feel okay right now. i'm just warning people that tomorrow i'm likely to be a little flat / despondant / frantic...

i'm not sure about safety. i guess... i'm not in danger. i'm just... i don't know how to... talk to him about this. i don't know what to say.

i envisage him whining something in his self-defence 'but it was a public holiday'. sure it was, i know that already, that doesn't help. what could he say to help? i can't imagine... i know it is fair. i know it is fair enough. sure i was hoping he could reschedule. but there were no promises. just that if he could reschedule then he would email me. but he hasn't so i guess that didn't work out.

i can't think of anything that anyone could do... I'm sorry.

i don't know what will happen. i guess the most likely thing... is that i'll go to the appointment in a couple weeks. i don't know how i'll be by then. right now i feel dull lethargic and disappointed. who knows how i'll feel by then. who knows how much of this is a function of too much alcohol. who knows.

who knows how much he knows. who knows how much he cares. who knows how much he is trying to 'prompt' me into transference compared with trying to 'prompt' me into talking about it. who knows. who knows how oblivious he is. how much he doesn't care. i don't know. i don't understand.

except that it is fair enough.

sure.

fair enough.

and i can accept that.

i mean, thats only fair.

i can accept that.

but... i don't know that all of me can. so much the worse for all of me of course. but...

maybe this is just too much.

i'm not meant to be around people. forget about people. work work work abstract work thats got nothing to do with people whatsoever. who cares. who cares? not me. i don't care about anything at all.

i'm scared zen. i'm sorry. i don't know what to say.