Let me start this off by saying my fiance and I are both consenting (albeit young) adults and so this really shouldn't be an issue so it is extra frustrating that it is.

Because of unfortunate circumstances, I go to college a few states over from my fiance and neither of us owns a car, so visiting is infrequent and short-lived. Because of largely financial reasons (ie so he can save up money for us to be able to live together sooner), he does online college and lives with his parents, while at the same time working.

At the same time, everyone - us, and our parents - are religious and believe that sex before marriage is a big no-no. Why is this a problem, you ask, if all of us agree on this?

Well, the problem is there is a distinct belief disconnect between our respective parents' beliefs and our beliefs. Simply put, we and our parents do not agree what defines 'marriage'. Our parents are convinced that the end-all-be-all is me wearing a froofy white dress and us shoving cakes in each other's face while in a church. However, my fiance and I agree that marriage is actually about the promise of commitment and loyalty between the couple, with God being the only necessary witness. Sure this is not the legal definition of marriage, but the religious definition of marriage was never about taxes, anyway, it was what it symbolizes.

On a related note, this is also why I think shotgun weddings are stupid, even if there is a child involved -you did not make a spiritual commitment to each other, someone just caught you with your hand in the proverbial cookie jar and so it is all about making them (the person who found out) happy. And let's not even get me started on the idea of forcing someone to make life-changing decisions based on your moral compass with no regard to theirs, but I digress.

Anyway, so I'm staying over with him for the short break I have before exams start. We are staying in separate rooms, separate floors even. Miraculously, the other night we had a few hours of uninterrupted alone time and made the decision to give our virginity to each other, which had been a big deal at the time despite the fact that we have had sex a number of times before - just, you know, not intercourse (because that is magically more actual sex than anything else). We used protection bequeathed to us by a knowing and kind friend of mine. And since part of our beliefs require that if you are not asexual, consummating your marriage is what 'seals the deal', we are spiritually married and that is what counts.

I am highly frustrated about how paranoid we seem to have to be that our (particularly his at the moment) parents will disapprove of our affectionate-but-not-sexual cuddling and would have a cow if they found out about anything more sexual than playful pecks on the lips. Don't get me wrong, our parents are awesome people. There's just this. And it's frustrating.

I completely understand being against voyeurism and honestly find the idea disgusting (I don't even enjoy porn), but what's done in a private setting should be between us and dictated by our personal beliefs.

You know what I would absolutely adore? Being able to participate in the ultimate expression of love with the man I intend to be with for the rest of my life without fear of all the bad things that can happen when your religious parents find out you actually are in fact, sexually attracted to your fiance and you have a slightly different moral compass than them.

What can/should we do, and can someone answer why if we are adults and we have made this very personal decision together, why this should even matter?

TLDR: Religion and sex should not be mutually exclusive things. And right now you can almost literally cut the sexual tension between my fiance and I with a knife. This is not at all how I wanted to spend the few days in six months that I get to see him.