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Originally Posted by archipelago
It has occurred to me reading posts here that the issue of boundaries really gets to people and people seem to have very strongly held views about the issue. So I thought maybe a general discussion would be helpful.
I myself don't find myself too concerned with boundaries. I don't even like the word. It means a wall of some kind in some sense. It doesn't seem to be a human type word.
I prefer "respect" or "honor" or other words that convey that you know where you stand and what is appropriate and do so out of genuine regard for the other person and for yourself.
But then again I might just be a softy Zen type that doesn't have strongly defined lines that I draw.
So I'm wondering how people conceive of boundaries, mainly in therapy of course, though what we do in therapy also has influences beyond that, either from the past or in the present. Also what are the views about how the therapist needs to set boundaries, that I think is implicit in our understanding of what we do as well.
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It seems many refer to boundaries in a tangible or behavioral sense, such as actions or lack of actions, whereas I tend to conceptualize boundaries in the psychological sense, much like object relations.
Boundaries represent a person’s sense of self. With my childhood abuse history, experiencing or hearing about boundary issues can evoke strong feelings, since continual violation of my boundaries has had a profound impact on my development and my life.
When someone abusive violates another’s boundaries, or continuously relates to you in an intrusive and controlling manner, they don’t ‘see’ your boundaries, so they don’t see you as a person, but instead, as an object to gratify their own needs (although they are probably not even conscious of it). When someone continually relates to you as if you are not even worthy of being treated with the minimal human dignity of being seen as a human being, because they cannot see how the manner in which they relate to you might impact your feelings, it can profoundly affect your identity, the core of who you are. When significant others continually relate to you like that, it often leads to deeply-rooted issues that can take years to heal from. There is almost nothing more that says ‘you do not matter’ than having your boundaries violated. It can lead to severe sense of worthlessness.
Actually, I don’t feel uncomfortable around anyone who has insight into these things and who is trying to get better. What I have a real hard time with is those who violate your boundaries, maybe it is not outright physical or sexual abuse, but by intrusive and controlling behavior, then when you call them on it, they make themselves a victim. That is a pattern I have come across from time to time in my adult life that is extremely triggering. Taking responsibility makes all the difference in the world, in my opinion.
Boundary crossings are ways to get to know one another and limits in a relationship, but boundary violations, while might be determined to be a mistake or isolated incident, often signify abuse and reveal how a person views and relates to others.