Biiv,

I can really relate to how you feel. In my experience, the things I have done to try to feel better - really, to numb the pain -- whether it was substances, sex, screaming, or whatever, all just made me feel worse in the end, like I had become evil like those who were evil to me. It can feel like I crossed a line and became like them. It's like an infection I can't get rid of no matter how much I hate it and try to stop acting like it. And I have been afraid I would never make it back to who I really was, before the abuse began.

So, now I do things differently when I feel like I don't deserve to be loved or respected for what I have done to cope with my pain. Instead of hurting and hating myself, I try to first do something good for myself, something healthy, even simple things like going for a walk, buying a favorite food, or calling a friend even if I don't think I deserve a friend. Then I write down the good stuff in a journal that is only for good stuff -- none of the pain, just what is good in my day. All this helps me take one step forward and affirms my worth as a person, no matter how injured I am.

You deserved better than you got in life. It's hard to recover and hard to give yourself a better life, but you are worth it and you are not alone in your struggle.

Be well,

mtd