I forgot to answer the second part of your question Archipelago. I agree with you that boundaries (and therapy in general) is best individualized to the patient. I’m not saying this is the case with you-but enmeshment and co-dependency can be confused with flexibility, maybe for those of us who didn’t have appropriate models when growing up. Changing who you are for another is not always a sign on flexiblility but often a symptom of not having a healthy sense of self. It’s often used to avoid abandonment, avoid the possibility of others being angry at you, or fears of being rejected. It can be used in a manipulative way too-‘I did so and so for you, and this is how you treat me now?’, or to sustain an idealized image of yourself ‘see all the sacrifices I make for others’…just a take from someone who grew up in a very toxic environment.

Again, from the psychological sense, my T models self-acceptance and worthiness by reinforcing his own boundaries, even if that means I’ll be angry at him, including saying no. This is something that has had a huge impact on me, my being, my sense of self. It is the experience that I am not defined by how others treat me. This modeling has allowed me to internalize this message, and it has been life changing.