I am glad, you put 'mostly' not getting it. On the other hand, for those who got it, it was actually ingrained as positive reinforcement. My mom, more than myself, was guilty, guilty, of overextending herself. The desire to be viewed as loveable was an overpowering part of her existence. She was well liked, definitely, but the closer connections seemed fewer and farther between. It trickled down to myself, as a matter of smile, be friendly, your likeability is a reflection on me. As I grew into a more cynical, but friendly person, it was different for her, yet, she admired my ability to assert. Not that she couldn't, she had her moments of assertion, but the way my life played out, I ended up with the stronger backbone and ability to be that independent woman. Could be generational, as well, between herself and me, on that note.

People pleasing, comes from both negative and positive reinforcement. So, it happens in families where we were appreciated and families where we could do no right.

I agree, about esteem building skills and books, there so much out there. Picking and choosing by what applies to your own upbringing.