But if I don't expend energy at the beginning, I have no chance. Especially if I want to be with a guy in any capacity.
My friendships until recently have been like this too…generally if I want to socialize, I either have to be in the right place at the right time (like if I'm right there when they're talking about doing something and it would be rude if they didn't invite me) or I sort of "force" myself into the situation so I won't be left out.
Or my friendships may be one-sided the other way, as in they give me more than I can possibly give back.
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Will, you really be 'fine with this'? Considering your SI, side of yourself(I hope you don't mind my bringing that into this), isn't this the relational way of self abuse? I care, and I point that out.
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It's something like this or nothing. Unlike other guys, I can at least feel safe around him and feel like I don't have to watch what I say or that he's going to acknowledge if I say something stupid or have to say I don't know something and appear stupid or that I didn't pay attention at all in college. He doesn't mind the least favorable aspects of me…at least the ones he knows of. Do you know how often all of this happens between me and a guy. Very rarely to never.
So what do I do, wait around years and years and hope someone takes the initiative? And then I WON'T feel safe.
This whole thing with the emotional roller coaster and all and coming to terms with the fact that he won't answer a lot of my texts has led me to self-harm again after I'd been clean for quite a while (not like I'm blaming of course, I'm just pointing it out).
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Just because, you aren't feeling confident about yourself, your sexual identity, et al, just because you are starting to find yourself, doesn't give anyone else the right, to not treat you like you matter to them, as much as they do to you!
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But doesn't though? I mean, doesn't everyone around hear say something to the effect of if you don't love yourself then no one will ever love you, which is the same as not deserving to be loved. So that gives them every right to treat me like I don't matter because I don't since I have low self-esteem.