I have struggled with the same ideation, Poppy princess.

When the ideation became a rather strong desire about 1 yr ago, I called my doctor's office to report my temptation. It was NOT an easy thing for me to admit to the doctor's nurse. I felt ashamed.

However, I knew that I also didn't ever want to be seen in a hospital with these external wounds. Thankfully, the desire to harm myself down there has gone away a lot (if that makes sense?) since I was pulled off one of my medications. I do still occasionally get the strong desire, but I can distract myself out this mindset usually.

Very gentle hugs to you. I do understand how difficult it can be. My reason lies in survival of variety of abuse and self-blame that all began when I was a young child.