I am so frustrated. SERIOUSLY

You may see me in chat and might think hmmm she's pretty funny OR you may come in and say wow she's way hyper and weird.

OR I may not be talking at all.

The first 2 is to keep my sanity and just makes me feel better.

The latter is I am "on a down" and just want company.

I am realizing I think what my real problems are, which are Did and depersonalization along with add from around 7 years old.

Along the way in my life because of life circumstances I have symptoms (i think) and other dx, which are bipolar, anxiety, major depressive disorder, bpd & ocd tendencies, which they've termed it to name a few.

I felt like I was on the right track though with knowing at least the first of my issues and starting there.

Went to my pdoc & T to discuss this and they agreed.

I decided to talk to my b/f about it and was a little hyper and it was one of those rare times I was able to express myself well and really describe what my problems were and what I was feeling.

PROBLEM was was that after I talked to him. He was like hmmmm this is like Deja Vu cuz you had this exact conversation with me months ago right down to explaining what happened to you at age 7 and blah blah and blah.

I'm like are u kidding me????

I have big issues with not remembering stuff. It BOTHERS me.

So very quickly I wracked my brain to see if I could remember any bit of having this conversation with him. I can't ... not at all.

So is this again one of those times that I'm having conversations & having absolutely NO recollection???

So I'm now having anxiety ... NOT to mention of I just told him.

Basically I have nothing to me. It's like I'm blank. Everything falls away from me and I have nothing.

I can't focus....everything is going chhhhhhhh.

I can't think. Nothing means anything. I just basically think about that I have no reality and that was what I was explaing to him is one of my problems that if I think too long about my existence ...things start to "alter".

Then I really start to think about all of "ME" and what a huge MESS I really really am and Holy Shi*

That's it.

I am completely freaking, but trying not to at the same time b/c I don't think i'd come back from this.

DOES ANYBODY GET THIS FOR REAL?????

I'm dead serious.

I've been thinking and thinking about this recently and I know i'm having a slide downwards and I've been TRYING to take an active approach before it happens, which my T said that was progress, but for some reason I feel like I'm seeing how BIG this abyss really is and it's just very clear that it's swallowing me and much bigger and it's all of me and nothing of what I was and what I might have thought I was is left.

I'm rambling and panicking as I'm talking.