So I tried something different tonight. So my boyfriend didn't sleep well last night. We are training my son to sleep in his bed and he ended up sneaking in bed and my boyfriend went to the couch and didn't fall asleep till very late. I had a panic attack at work and was sent home because I ended up puking all over our bathroom there. My boyfriend picked me up and from the get go we were at odds. I was stressed and he was tired. He got really sad (literally to the point of tears) and was I started getting angry because I was in dire need of validation and attention and help (part of the reason I had the panic attack was because our house was a disaster) and he wasn't giving it to me. We ended up arguing and at one point he compared me to his ex (who also had BPD strangely enough) and it so hurt me. He was making assumptions which weren't true and I waa feeling the night lead to a complete catastrophe.

I left the conversation and thought to myself for a while (and cried as I washed dishes), and realized there was no way I was going to get what I needed from him tonight. I radically accepted the fact that I was going to have to clean the house and do what I needed to alone. I was not going to get the attention and care I needed.

So I decided to make an investment in him. I got the bed ready for him, laid out jammies, and told him to go to bed. I told him I would do everything alone and after he tried being stubborn as insisting on staying up, I explained my strategy and he went to bed.

I stayed up an additional hour and finished all the chores alone. I showered alone. I did my DBT diary.

And because our sex life has went to s*** lately, I did something especially strange to me. I initiated sex and focused my mindset on pleasing him.

He is a different person now. I am hoping he realizes that this was incredibly difficult for me to do. Because of the BPD, tabeling my intense emotions and focusing on someone else's needs is almost a foreign concept to me. But I did it.

My hope is that he realizes how hard this was and that I am still very much in need of his attention and affection and will do that tomorrow.

Maybe this is the give and take thing that is so hard to do in relationships.

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