I have no idea why but today has been a struggle. I couldn't stay asleep and as soon as I got up I was moving all day, cleaning washing, tidying....just appeared to have a lot of motivation and energy to get stuff done. i think I was really running away from myself.

In the back of my mind were the thoughts...its only 3 weeks and my parents will be coming to stay and I HAVE to have the place spotless. OMGawd...my mother is coming to stay(major major major trigger!!!!)

Also in my mind are thoughts about my annual performance appraisal which is scheduled for Monday, and I am trying to pretend that I am not freaking out!!!!! (But I am)

So I have been "keeping it together" and getting on with things......all the while I seem to have energy I am just feeling completely exhausted also. I feel like I need to sleep for days, and my body just aches like I have run a marathon and been hit by a bus. I think I am soo deeply anxious that it is showing up in other ways, pain in my back.......and worse..........

I have been horrid to my gorgeous wee boy. I have had no tolerance for him today. It feels like he has pushed ALL of my buttons and I raised my voice to him, pushed past him, made him go his room.......this is not regular behaviour for me and only ever happens when i am extremely stressed/anxious. I feel like such a bad bad mother and person to hurt my weeman like this and make him cry. I just suck.

And tomorrow there is the local Xmas Santa Parade in town....and my weeman gets to go with his dad, step mum & little brother. His family. I feel very left out at times like this.....

I am not sure what I want or need by posting this....apart from maybe just getting it out. I am home alone, my boy is back with his dad and I feel soo terribly alone, anxious and just wish I had some support. I feel dreadful.

Why do these days just sneak up on me? I just seem not able to keep balanced........ Do others struggle like this? Ugh, I am over it!