Dear T,

I feel like a teenager or something, writing to you like this, but I have to. It's embarrassing to do and I will worry about your reaction all week.

I have to tell you these things.
I have to tell you about my thoughts and feelings.
i don't know if you want to hear them though.
when I want to talk, we talk a few minutes then we are off onto something else.
I need time sometimes to get to what I want to tell you. I need you to encourage me and reassure me. I have to get past shame and embarrassment and the fear of you not taking me seriously or sending me off somewhere else and I don't want to go to someone else.
This is why I asked to work on assertiveness. It isn't that I cant do it, but that I can't do it for me. So here I am writing because I am no good at talking.
I wish I knew if you want to hear these things.

I have mentioned about 'falling apart'. I haven't said a lot about it .. and you haven't asked much about it. But I've wanted you to know what it's like for me. It is so frightening and overwhelming.

When I 'fall apart', I am so frantic! I don't always know when or why it starts. Sometimes it is a small disappointment like I said last week. But really it is more than that. It's a feeling of loss or impending loss, abandonment, aloneness. I am sure people want to be rid of me and I think about it and look for it and worry about it a lot. I think people are just 'being nice' to me until they can find a way to leave me.

...When I fall apart It happens so fast. It is so intense. It's more intense than just a panic attack. It lasts for days. I have to Xanax out of it, then I collapse and I'm wiped out, exhausted for days.The times in between I feel numb. And vigilant for the next episode. It's a cycle lately, somehow stimulated I think by therapy.

...When I fall apart I sometimes don't feel like an adult; I feel like a kid. My repetitive frantic thoughts are "I can't take care of myself!" and "I don't know what to do!!" and "What am I going to do?!" I'm afraid of losing it completely and what will happen to me. I'm afrid of being alone. I can't eat or sleep; I can't breathe well; my arms and hands go numb or cold; I cry, pace to get rid of the energy. It feels like the floor has suddenly dropped out from beneath my feet. I don't know what to do! I can't distract myself, I can't talk myself into a better place. I can't relax or focus. I want the world to just stop and wait a minute! And I want someone to help me, rescue me, hold me and tell me it will be ok.

Sometimes I Xanax to be able to make myself go to work or to stay there. I run off to the restroom to cry because I don't want to be seen. I've been doing this for a year. Sometimes I am so out of it. It's what I meant by 'zoning out'. It's like I'm in a fog, like I'm in another room even if I'm standing right next to someone. I have to struggle to hear and comprehend what they are saying . It isn't about my hearing ability; it's as if they are talking to me from far away, or I am groggy like I'm half-asleep. They could be telling me oranges are purple and I'd agree because that's how I get through it. At work I will jot things down that I know I will need later. Sometimes people think I am just not paying attention. They will drop what they are talking about or ask if I am understanding. It's so embarrassing.

Lately I am tempted to not come to therapy because I dread the cycle that could begin. But I will because this is about me.. and I want to see how I turn out.

Please help me.

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I don't like that I am too chicken to speak these words out loud. I wonder what she will say. I wonder if it will make a difference.

Last session I told her it was a bad week; that I had fallen apart again. I told her that some people were second-guessing my therapy (not people here, who are considerate and curious and non-judgemental, who offer support and thoughts and information). She thanked me for telling her and said that she wants my continual feedback so that we work well together. Then she asked what MY concerns are and I told her again about wanting to talk more. So we did, but not in depth. We talked a few minutes then she asked what I wanted to work on that session. Truth is, it was saying out loud what I want and need and more about what's going on with me that I thought we were working on when she said that! lol So, I blurted out "assertiveness". It was a good session on assertiveness and I learned a lot, we role-played, etc. But I felt like I was skipped over again. And as you can see, it is so much my own doing because I don't open my mouth. I recognize this place I am at: it is where I might decide that this therapist or therapy is not for me, not helping.. and that I should leave. But I'm not falling for that this time. When I feel this way it is the time to stay and keep working.

I want to mail the letter above to her. I haven't yet. I'm not sure what to do. Is it too passive? Is it too chicken? Will it help? Will it hurt? Will she think less of me?

I could use some feedback. What do you think?